


Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

by rockinhamburger



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: (lots of deets exchange in here), (mostly mentions and descriptions), Exhibitionism, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety, Oral Sex, Rimming, Same room sex, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-08 17:24:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10392018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockinhamburger/pseuds/rockinhamburger
Summary: In hindsight, Bitty probably could have chosen a better time to ask the question, or even better, perhaps not asked it at all. But as he watches Lardo fumble and thankfully manage to keep a hold on her pie plate, he knows the damage is done.The question's already out there."Hey, Lardo? What's Shitty like... in the bedroom?"-Bitty and Lardo, exhanging deets. It goes... interesting places.





	1. Let's Talk About Sex

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry for the title, which is taken from the fab Salt-N-Pepa.

In hindsight, Eric probably could have chosen a better time to ask the question, or even better, perhaps not asked it at all. But as he watches Lardo fumble and thankfully manage to keep a hold on her pie plate, he knows the damage is done.

The question's already out there.

"Hey, Lardo? What's Shitty like... in the bedroom?"

Lardo is staring at him.

"Oh my god why did I ask you that oh Lord I'm so ridiculous why would you want to tell me that oh my god I'm so--"

"Bitty!" Lardo interrupts, laughing. "It's okay, I don't mind. I was just surprised. You know, since we weren't even talkin' about that, you perv."

Bitty blushes so furiously he can actually feel it in his cheeks. He hides his face in his hands. "I am so weird!"

Lardo puts her pie down and comes over to heave herself up on to the counter next to Bitty where he's been standing at the oven. "You're not weird. The guys talk deets all the time, dude. I'm cool with it, as long as you give me deets in return. I've had some burning questions about Zimmermann, you know."

Bitty peeks at Lardo through his fingers, but soldiers on faintly, "Like what?"

Lardo chuckles. "Well, you asked your question first. So, how's Shitty in bed? Probs not a surprise considering who he is, but he's pretty excellent."

"Oh my gosh," Bitty says with a giggle. "I am way too easily scandalized."

"Yes, you are," Lardo agrees, smirking. "That's nothing, Bits. How's this for scandal? He's almost too giving. He doesn't even want to fuck unless I've come at least twice."

Bitty laughs, in spite of himself, laughs hard enough that he has to lean against his oven for support. "Yeah, that does seem like him," he wheezes when he's recovered. "Is he all, For Feminism?"

Lardo grins. "'Course. Okay, my turn." She bites her lip on a laugh and shakes her head. "Right out of the gate. All right, out with it: how big is he?"

Bitty's not sure he'll ever stop blushing again. He hesitates and then holds his hands the appropriate length apart to show her. 

Lardo straight up cackles. "That is... quite a mouthful!"

"Larissa Duan!"

She keeps right on cackling and throws a scrunched up receipt at him. A few moments later, she raises an eyebrow. "Wanna know how big Shitty is?"

"Heavens no, I won't be able to look him in the eye ever again!" he cries, but he's laughing too. 

And that's how the deets exchanges start.

Little comments here and there. Usually Lardo, but sometimes Bitty. It's mostly one-offs, stuff like _all that upper body strength; how long can he hold you up?_ ( _for ages, Lardo, it is unfair_ ). She loves to tease him, like when Bitty asks _what's the 'stache like...down there?_ ( _down there? Bitty, my dear, it feels great_ down there, _down in my dainty lady bits_ ).

But there's a marked shift in the nature of the deets exchange in December. They're in Lardo's room; she's stirring Gesso and Bitty's going innocently through his flash cards (and occasionally scrolling Twitter) until she asks, without looking up, "Yo, just wondering. What's the best way to work on a sensitive gag reflex?"

Bitty drops his phone in shock. "Well," he says, faltering, blushing profusely. "I'm - I'm not really the best to ask. I haven't been able to get very far, to be honest." He hesitates, then admits, "Jack would know."

Lardo looks up with a wicked grin. "Should've known. I mean, he's good at everything else, why not that?"

"You're not kidding. The man is pure talent." Bitty's just starting to feel like he won't die of embarrassment, so he puts his flash cards down. "So you're having trouble...?"

"Giving him great head, yeah," Lardo fills in. Okay, he still might die of embarrassment. But Lardo's face suddenly softens. "I mean, I've tried. He's so nice about it, and it's just... it's kinda hard not to feel like he gives me so much and I can't even give him that."

He crosses his legs underneath him. "Come on, Shitty is not the kind of guy that would ever mind."

"Yeah, I know," Lardo mutters, still determinedly stirring her paint. "I mind, though."

Bitty's not sure how best to respond to this uncharacteristic vulnerability from her. He decides he needs to be on her level, so he slides off the bed on to the floor but keeps the few feet between them so as not to discourage her openness. "Have you tried talking to him?"

Lardo shakes her head. "Bits, I can't. You know what he's like. He'll be all, 'FFFFFUCK the patriarchy for putting all this pressure on women to be sex goddesses!'" Bitty can't help his giggle; her impression of Shitty is uncanny. He settles down, though, gives her his best attentive face. "And then he'll tell me he'd be totes fine if I never gave him head, and the worst part is he wouldn't even be lying. But it won't solve the actual problem which is that I just want to be able to put his dick all the way in my mouth."

Bitty makes understanding sounds, even as he's trying not to facially react to the mental image Lardo's words have conjured. He picks absently at the frays on his cutoff shorts and smiles. Strangely, Bitty knows what to say. "Here's what you do, Lards. You sit him down, sit on his legs if you have to, and you tell him not to mansplain sex to you. You tell him that you're not gonna stop until you can take him without gagging or you'll gag _him_ if you have to," Lardo claps a hand over a shocked laugh, "and if he doesn't pop off from your words alone, then you just go to town."

Lardo _stares_. "Damn, Bitty."

Lardo lets him know how it went with a comically exaggerated wink over the breakfast table the following week, but he receives an unexpected follow-up to the deets exchange a few weeks after that, over winter break when he gets back to Jack's from a jog and overhears a conversation he definitely wasn't supposed to be privy to.

A Skype call between Jack and Shitty.

"It was so fucking hot, man," Shitty's saying when Bitty reaches the top of the stairs, his socked feet cloaking his presence. "She gave me head all weekend, I thought I was gonna die. But she kept apologizing every time she gagged, and I didn't know how to tell her that every time she did it I thought I was gonna bust a nut. That shit's hot, nothing to be sorry about."

Bitty's face heats up from the topic and the immediate guilt he feels over listening in. But then Jack's talking. "Yeah, Bits always apologizes too and I'm like, so not a problem."

Bitty's hard in an instant.

Shitty guffaws. "Yo, I've seen your dick. Tell Bitty he's a fuckin' champ."

Bitty has rarely heard Jack laugh as hard as he does at that. He uses the laughter to mask the sound of his hurried footsteps as he makes his guilty escape.

-

"They were seriously talking about us?" Lardo says around a bite of pie. Bitty nods. He can't read her expression. She swallows and brushes the crumbs off her hands. "Okay, that's kinda hot."

Bitty sags against his kitchen chair and says in one breath, "Oh thank god that's what I thought."

"Shit," Lardo says. "Alright, so what else did they say, besides how hot we are when we're gagging on their huge cocks?"

That one's for the books. Bitty laughs so hard it triggers his stubbourn cough.

When he can breathe again, he shrugs helplessly. "I don't know, I left right after."

"Bits! Come on, man."

"I felt guilty!"

"Amateur. Well, if that ever happens again you stay for the whole convo, alright?"

Bitty grins. "Deal."

It actually does happen again, and the weird part is that it's only a couple of months after the first overheard discussion.

Bitty was napping but now he's up and on his way to Jack's kitchen when he hears them.

"Her hips do not lie, lemme tell you. They are magic for my dick." Bitty freezes at the top of the stairs. "So, how're things with Bitty?"

"Really good."

"No monosyllables, dude."

Jack chuckles. "I don't know, they're good." There's a pause, and then Jack says, a bit quieter, "The other night he let me rim him for an hour. So, yeah, really good."

Bitty's heart and cock begin to throb. He needs to keep breathing properly so he doesn't hyperventilate.

"Hot," Shitty says. "Well, I guess that probably makes it easier for you to do it after, huh?"

"Oh, it's never foreplay for me, it's the main course," Jack says, matter-of-fact, and the words and the tone are positively doing Bitty in. "I'd come before I could even get it in. A gentle breeze could do it."

Shitty belly-laughs. "That's fucking poetry, man!" Bitty creeps a little closer to the door. Shitty sighs. "That's me when Lardo sits on my face. Gets me solid as a rock."

There's silence for a second, and then they both sing-shout: "SOLID! OH! SOLID AS A ROCK!"

These boys.

When they finally stop laughing, Bitty's disappointed to find they've decided to change the subject to hockey.

Bitty silently makes his way to the kitchen as planned but instead, he makes a detour to the rec room to call Lardo.

"Bits! 'Sup?"

"Lardo, they were just talking about us again!" he says in a rush. "I had to call right away."

Lardo's silent for a second. "Is it bad I'm already turned on?"

Bitty laughs. "You are not alone," he says, sitting down on a bar stool and resting his elbows on the marble surface. "Soooo, Shitty talked about how much he likes it when you sit on his face."

Lardo snickers. "Yeah, he loves that shit."

Bitty's still hard in his shorts. "And Jack told Shitty how much he loves to rim me."

"'Course he does, that perfect butt of yours," Lardo says, and he can _hear_ her grin. "Hey. What's it like, when Jack does that? Shitty's tried a couple times but it doesn't really do much for me."

"It's incredible," Bitty tells her. "I mean, it's his favourite thing to do in bed so he's... passionate."

Lardo snorts. "Isn't that his middle name?" Then she says, more thoughtfully, "Okay, in theory it sounds great. In practice... I guess it felt kinda weird?"

"It did for me, at first," Bitty says. "Actually, when Jack first asked me if he could, I flat-out refused." He thinks for a moment, then decides he can trust Lardo with this. "Part of me felt like as long as I didn't cross that line, then I wasn't all those things they always said about me."

"Bits," Lardo says sadly.

"I know. Anyway, Jack never pressured me, he backed off and after a few weeks I just got curious enough. I kept picturing him doing it, so I figured, if I am all those things they say, I should at least get the most out of it."

"Fuckin' A! So you just went for it?"

"Nah. We kept the lights off and Jack worked me with his mouth from top to bottom for hours. He didn't even put his mouth on me 'til I was beggin' for it."

"Well, that's hot. Listen, I need to go. I gotta call Shitty and tell him to get his ass over here."

"Good idea. Have fuuun."

"Yep. You too, Bits."

Call ended, Bitty groans at the pain of his cock pressed up against the crotch of his shorts. He waits a moment until he can stand up again, and then he goes in search of Jack.

He knows exactly what he wants.

-

In hindsight, maybe it was all leading up to this point, with Jack and Shitty on one couch and Bitty and Lardo staring aghast at them from the one straight across, both of them sitting in stunned disbelief at their proposition of what Shitty's just called 'same room sex'.

"What?" Bitty and Lardo say in unison.

Jack and Shitty exchange A Look.

"Jack overheard you the other day," Shitty says to Bitty. "When he was talking to you," he says, nodding to Lardo. "Apparently we're all enjoying this whole deets exchange thing, so..."

Jack clears his throat. "We just figured... what's the next logical conclusion?"

Bitty waits for the telltale blush to stain his cheeks, but apparently, it's not coming. He risks a look at Lardo, who seems as taken aback as he is. But she doesn't look horrified by the idea, maybe even a little intrigued. And maybe Bitty's not so horrified by the idea, either.

Lardo raises her eyebrows. "Bits, what do you think?"

Bitty finds that he has no control over the smile that's slowly taking over his face. "I'm in if you are." Then he turns back to the boys, their ridiculous boys, who are now looking like they can't believe this is actually happening. "Y'all better watch out," he teases. "I hear we're hot stuff."

Lardo cackles.

Yeah, hindsight's overrated.


	2. Let's Talk About You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This conversation needs pie!” Bitty announces, and he scurries off to the kitchen, presumably to start serving it up. All three of them laugh, but Jack takes this pronouncement from Bitty as his cue to check in. He’s pretty sure Bitty wants a moment alone with Jack.
> 
> -
> 
> It's important to set out boundaries, so that's what these four beauts are gonna do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I found the (s)inspiration to write more of this ridiculous story. This part is meant to pick up right where the first part leaves off, so if you haven't read that then this might be a li'l confusing (or at the very least abrupt). Hope you enjoy.

Jack cannot believe he gets to have this. An incredible boyfriend and two amazing friends, all willing and maybe even eager to explore together. He takes note of but does not fixate on the intrusive thought that he doesn’t deserve love and warmth like this, gently moving his focus to the concrete. To the fact that Bitty and Lardo just said _yes_ to Shitty and Jack’s proposition.

Jack never expected a yes. A no, definitely. Chirps until the end of time, certainly. But never a yes.

“This conversation needs pie!” Bitty announces, and he scurries off to the kitchen, presumably to start serving it up. All three of them laugh, but Jack takes this pronouncement from Bitty as his cue to check in. He’s pretty sure Bitty wants a moment alone with Jack.

“Quick time out,” Jack says to them. “Reconvene in ten?”

They nod rapidly. From that and from their relieved expressions, Jack infers that they, too, would like a moment alone. Shooting them a grateful smile, he heads into the kitchen.

“Really, Bits?” Jack chirps immediately, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's waist and kissing the place where neck and shoulder meet. It's one of Jack's favourite spots to kiss. “I want to ask if there’s any conversation that doesn’t require pie, but I already know the answer.”

Bitty pauses in his pie-serving to lean into Jack’s hold. “That is correct, Mr Zimmermann,” he chirps right back. He lapses into momentary silence, then, “Honestly, it’ll give us something to do while we talk logistics, in case things get a little awkward.”

Jack snorts into Bitty’s collarbone. “Oh? You think discussing the details of how we’re going to have same room sex with Lardo and Shitty might get a little awkward?”

Bitty shakes his head. “That is enough chirping,” he scolds, attempting to affect a stern tone without much success; Jack can just make out the curve of his smile. “Okay, seriously, Jack. Any ground rules we should set up before we talk it over with them?”

“Good idea,” Jack says. He moves to lean against the counter so he can see Bitty’s face. Bitty catches Jack's eye and smiles at him, pure sunshine and sincerity, and then starts putting coffee on. Jack knows by now that Bitty likes to be ‘doing something’ when they have heart-to-hearts, so he takes this as his cue. “I was thinking... maybe we’ll feel different in the moment, but I was thinking that you and I can use hands and mouths, at first, and if we want to we can take it from there. Might help with nerves.”

Bitty lets out a breath. “Yeah, I was thinkin’ something along those lines.” He hums thoughtfully. “I mean, we should make it clear that they don’t have to do what we do necessarily. So we should probably set up some ground rules for all four of us. Stuff that’s not okay?”

Jack watches Bitty transfer the pie to the kitchen table, not offering help since he knows Bitty will refuse it. It’s his kitchen. He waits until Bitty’s returned to prepare their coffees to respond. “Makes sense. You know, you’re rolling with this really well, considering Shitty and I just sprang it on you.”

Bitty blushes and looks over at Jack, his smile shy and sweet. Jack feels a little winded at the sight of it; his boyfriend is way too beautiful for his heart to handle. Bitty says softly, “For whatever reason, the more I think about it… it just makes sense.”

“It kind of does,” Jack agrees. “So, anything you think all four of us should cover?”

Bitty looks away, clearly hesitant, but when he meets Jack’s gaze a few moments later he appears entirely certain. “I don’t want to… do anything, with them. Or to them, I guess,” Bitty says hastily, “I suppose it’s kinda _with them_ if we’re in the same room, but I just mean… gosh, this is awkward.”

“I get it,” Jack assures him quickly, recognizing the start of a Bittle Babble. “I am also not interested in sex with either of them,” Jack adds. Just to make sure Bitty knows he means it - all of it - he crosses the inches between them and pulls Bitty to him. 

Bitty sighs into his shoulder. “Good,” he says pleasantly. “I’m selfish, I want you all to myself.”

Jack tips Bits' head back with his palm against the nape of his neck. Bitty’s eyes fall closed. Jack leans in until their mouths are a breath apart. “You always have me,” Jack whispers.

Bitty makes a sound so sexy Jack has to kiss him, grazing bottom lip with teeth. He pulls reluctantly back because he’s starting to get turned on and they both need to be coherent enough to have this next conversation. Bitty leans forward as Jack moves away. “You ready?” Jack asks, throat dry with arousal.

Bitty’s eyes are still closed, his expression dazed. Jack is riveted as he watches Bitty come back to the present, eyes fluttering. He suddenly wants nothing more than to pick Bittle up, put him on the counter, and jerk him off; to feel Bitty’s hands clench around his biceps and watch Bitty’s hips try to work his cock further into Jack’s fist; to swallow up Bitty's sounds of pleasure with his mouth.

Jack looks away hastily, but it’s too late. His cock is now at full attention.

Bitty narrows his eyes at Jack. “You are the very worst tease,” he chides, before turning to juggle the four mugs of coffee over to join the pies on the table. “I’m ready, you devil.” He lifts his voice, “Pie’s served, y’all!”

Lardo and Shitty come bounding in, racing each other to the table to claim the biggest piece for themselves. Lardo’s the winner, snickering as she snatches it up to take a possessive bite out of it. Shitty hams up his disappointment then delivers a swift kiss to Lardo's cheek before sliding into his seat beside her.

Jack and Bitty sit down across from them, and Bitty hooks their ankles together. Jack happily cuts into his key lime pie and savours the amazing burst of flavour and goodness.

The thought presses in on him: _Definitely don’t deserve all this goodness._ Jack observes the thought, passes it by.

“So, dudes,” Shitty says after a couple of bites. “Let’s talk this out.”

Jack decides to defer to Bitty, who rises to the occasion. “Well, Jack and I wanted to set a few boundaries, and I’m sure y’all have some of your own. First of all, much as you’re both very attractive people, Jack and I like to just have sex with each other. Which, um, doesn’t mean you were gonna suggest that or that you’d want to - to switch or anything, it’s not like we think you’d even want to -”

“Bits, it’s all good,” Lardo cuts in, smiling. “I mean, Shits is for sure heartbroken by this news, but he’ll survive.”

Jack and Bitty both laugh. Shitty nods solemnly and declares, “She’s 100% right. How could you shatter my dreams like this?”

They’re all laughing now, a little too hard for the amount of genuine humour in the joke, but the comic relief is exactly what all of them need to move past some of the initial awkwardness. Jack’s a little bit in love with the two of them for being so aware and accommodating and so fucking wonderful.

There isn't a better couple in the world to have same room sex with.

“Okay, for realsies,” Shitty says, adopting a professorial tone. “We are all on the same page. Lards and I were thinking of a ‘no touchy’ rule, so we thought it’d help if we did it in separate beds just to have that literal and metaphorical space to feel as comfy as possible with this new and kinda daunting experience.”

“Good thinking,” Jack says. “But why not on the couches, instead of beds?”

Lardo’s eyes light up with what Jack just _knows_ is the prospect of brand new chirps available to her, Shitty whoops and winks at him, and Bitty blushes and giggles. Jack ducks his head, a little embarrassed that that just popped into his head.

“I love your dirty little mind, Zimmermann!” Shitty roars, holding his hand out for a fist bump. Jack meekly bumps it.

“You are the most adorable,” Bitty says, and he leans up to kiss Jack’s cheek.

Lardo takes charge. “Okay, we good?”

Bitty clears his throat. “Our other thing was just… no pressure? You know, we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to, we can be as simple or fancy as we want without feeling like we have to change it up for the other couple. And if anyone wants to stop, we can use a safeword.” Bitty thinks for a second, then offers slyly, “Faber?”

This sets them all off into peals of laughter.

Jack takes in his best friends, their openness and joie de vivre, and he feels like his heart might burst from ‘all the feels’, as Bitty would say. At one time, he might’ve believed the intrusive thoughts that he doesn’t deserve this much goodness (or any goodness) in his life, but that time’s in the past.

He knows better now.

He leans forward and clears his throat significantly. “So, when do we want to do this?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more parts are in the works, because my brain apparently wants to dive into each of their POVs. Tune in next time for Shitty's.


	3. Don't Decoy, Avoid or Make Void the Topic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Him and Lards have a secret code.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly porn of the Shitty/Lardo persuasion. There's also a whole lot of healthy communication here. Hope you enjoy.

Him and Lards have a secret code. Whenever he starts ranting about misogyny and Lardo’s not in the right headspace for it, or when he hasn’t thought about an alternative take on a given issue, or when he’s applying generalities to something that can't be easily generalized, she makes a cutting scissors motion. Sometimes he forgets that the person he's talking to is fully cognizant of the issue and not in the mood for a Mutual Rant Fest.

She also does the code for him when he's a little off-base or worried about whether something he did or said was problematic. Sometimes, as Lardo has patiently reminded him on more than one occasion, "sometimes the thing you’re worried about is not A Thing for that person.”

This is one of those times. It’s the middle of the night, and a series of horrifying thoughts have occurred to him. He’s so ashamed he physically cannot lie there any longer; he has to wake her up to apologize and address his fuck-up immediately.

“I should have asked you first,” he starts when she's awake and blinking sleepily at him. He's sitting against the headboard and she’s sitting in front of him with her legs crossed underneath her. Despite the obvious exhaustion on her face, she’s still giving him her attention. “It was not okay for me to talk to _Jack_ about this before I talked to you. It just kind of happened... but that’s no excuse. I mean, I didn’t even check with you if I could talk about our sex life with him. I was objectifying you. And I’m only realizing this now! I’m sorry I woke you up but I just can’t deal with the idea that I fucked up this badly. I’m so, so sorry.”

Lardo swings her leg over him so that she’s straddling his waist, puts her hand as close to his face as possible so that he can still see it, then makes the cutting motion.

Shitty might actually cry from relief. “Okay. Okay,” he breathes, heart racing, hands coming up to rest on her hips. He hesitates. “Do you have the energy to debrief right now or do you want to wait until tomorrow?”

Lardo kisses him. “Now’s fine. Thanks for checking, though.”

She rolls off him and props herself on her side to face him and he slinks down the bed so that he can lie on his side and face her, too. Lardo takes his hand and tangles their fingers together; Shitty knows it's mostly for him.

“Okay, let’s see," she mumbles, clearly going back over what he said in her mind. "Right. First of all, you don’t need to run your deets exchanges by me before you have them. How would that even work?”

“I could text you,” Shitty offers after a moment of thought.

“Yeah, I defs don’t want that,” she says. “It’ll feel like you’re asking permission, and then I’ll feel like your mom or something.”

“O-kay, texting’s out,” Shitty says firmly.

She does the adorable snickering thing, and then, after around a minute of comfortable silence, she continues. “I’m not sure how to articulate this but… There are scenarios I can think of where I wouldn’t be cool with you sharing deets. Talking to Jack about it? Totally fine, and clearly encouraged at this point.” Shitty laughs softly, but says nothing. He’s listening. “But if you were telling the guys in the locker room about us, bragging about me like a prize then I wouldn’t be cool with it. I know you’d never,” she adds when she sees his expression, “but I’m just saying that there’s a difference between a deets exchange and what I know guys say in the locker room. The latter feels like objectification to me, while the former… it’s all about context.”

“Makes perfect sense,” he says. God, she is the best fucking person, so smart and patient.

“Also,” she says, and Shitty rubs a thumb across her fingers to show he’s still with her. “Like, if you were saying really fucked up shit, then I’d have a problem with it.”

“Right,” Shitty says. “Can we define fucked up shit, so I know?”

“Yeah.” Lardo settles on her back, clearly thinking. He waits, absent-mindedly tracing circles into Lardo's hand. “Okay, so if you were asking Jack for sex advice for yourself, that'd be totally fine. But there are some things I wouldn’t want you to say to him. Like, let’s say the head thing had bothered you, then I’d want you to talk to me about it directly. If you’d told him that I was having trouble giving you good head and you were looking for tips on how to make me better at it, then I’d be… really pissed, actually.”

Shitty can’t help himself, has to lean in to kiss her. “Never. Okay? Never.”

She kisses him back for a beat before leaning away. “So, full disclosure: I totally asked Bitty for tips on how to get better at doing that for you, and I definitely talked to him about our sex life without checking with you first."

"You don't need my permission," Shitty says, recoiling at the thought. "Not that you need me to tell you that," he adds when he hears himself. "That was so fuckin' condescending of me."

"Shitty." She gives him the cutting symbol.

"Sorry," he groans.

"It's fine," she laughs. "I'm just giving you a chance to tell me if there's anything _I_ might say to Bitty that would bother you."

“You talking to Bitty doesn’t bother me at all. Clearly I'm into it,” he tells her, and they grin at each other in the dark of the room. But he thinks about what she’s said and debates whether to say what he’s thinking in case it counts as mansplaining. Thankfully, he knows she’ll tell him if it does. “Okay, shut me down if need be, but I feel like you talking to Bitty about our sex life is different than me talking to any dude about us, even Jack. The connotations are different, right?”

Lardo pats him on the shoulder. “True, but I don’t like the idea of those things being different on a you-and-me level. This is another one of those applying generalities things. If you were just some asshole I slept with, all of this would be different. But you’re Shitty, and I’m Lardo, so what we say goes.”

"Okay," he whispers.

God, he loves her.

She rolls back on to her side. “Now, the other thing you said... you talking to Jack about the same room sex first." He hums inquisitively. "I feel like this is a weird sitch for all of us, and I think I probably would have run the idea by Bitty before checking with you, so it's not something I think you need to apologize for. I don’t really think there’s a roadmap for how to broach this subject, Shitty, so I wouldn’t expect you - or any of us - to know it. And it also wasn’t a thing that occurred to me until you said it, so.”

Shitty feels loads better than he did a few minutes ago, but there’s something still pressing on him. “Okay, so, I hear you.” He takes a moment to formulate his thoughts properly. “But from now on I’m cluing you in beforehand on any sex ideas that pertain to both of us. I don’t feel right about springing it on you like I did. It just feels like, if I don’t check with you first then it’ll feel like I’m reinforcing the Patriarchy and making sex arrangements for you without your consent or autonomy. I don’t want any part of that, Lardo.”

These words are met with a long silence from her, just long enough that he almost wonders if she fell asleep, but then she's quite suddenly climbing on top of him. She gets her legs around his waist and her hands around Shitty’s wrists, pinning them to the bed. She grinds against him. “You are _so fucking hot_." He’s so surprised by the combination of her actions and his instantaneous erection that he shouts a “fuck!” into the air between them. She moans, leaning down to bite at the skin of his throat and then up to suck the lobe of his ear into her mouth. He gets, impossibly, even harder.

“So, holy shit, all of this feels really, really fucking good,” he croaks, “but can I get a check on where this is coming from?”

She sits up again to look him in the eye and says, slowly and almost perfunctorily, “You’re fucking smart, and you listen, and you really think about this shit, all of that and your hot little empathy eyes makes my clit fucking _pound_.” 

She's going to kill him. “Lards,” he groans. “Can I get my hands back, please? I need to touch you.”

She grinds down again. “Nope.”

“Oh fuck,” he moans. He can feel himself leaking all over the inside of his boxers, and shivers.

“Keep your hands up there," she orders before removing her hands from his wrists to take her shorts and shirt off, and his boxers; Shitty stays completely fucking still. But when they’re both naked, Lardo straddles him again and sinks right down onto his cock in one long slow slide. His hands fly to her hips of their own volition.

"Fuck! Lardo!" he pants.

“Keep your hands on the bed, you fucker, I’m serious!” she snaps.

His eyes roll back in his head; he’s dead and dying he won’t make it past this night. “Fuuuuuuck,” he groans, slamming his hands back onto the mattress.

“That’s a good boy,” she says, and she actually fucking pets him, and oh god he’s going to come it’s only been 10 seconds he can’t yet.

“WAIT!” he cries desperately. She freezes. “I’m gonna come, just -” He clenches his eyes shut on the image of her waiting, hands on her hips; so gloriously bossy. He breathes deeply in and out, trying to ignore the incredible feeling of her tight grip on his cock.

“You’re good, you’re not gonna come,” she says, voice pure silk and sex. “Hey, you know what happens if you come before I do.”

“This is not helping, Larissa,” he grits out through clenched teeth.

“You made the rule!” Her laughter shakes her whole body and jars him a little. It’s true, he did invent the rule. He sucks in a breath and focuses intently on not coming. After about a minute of breathing and concentrating, he sighs gratefully, opens his eyes, and tells her he’s good by planting his feet in the mattress and lifting his hips to thrust exactly the way she likes it. She gasps, and the sound is… well, he doesn’t always manage to surprise her so he likes to revel in the times he does. He thrusts again, hoping for a repeat, but Lardo’s ready this time; she puts her hands up on his chest and starts to fuck him.

She tortures him for a while with shallow drops, barely rising an inch before dropping down hard. She changes it up; rides him slow but deep, clenching tight around him each time so the sound of their fucking is amplified. It's so fucking good his toes cramp.

Then she grips the headboard and uses it to fuck him fast and hard. It feels indescribable. All he can do is lie there and take it as she fucks him with her gorgeous body, watch as she rises and falls, abs clenching. He wants to put his mouth on her perfect little tits, wants to touch her clit so badly he can almost taste her, and it ratchets up his arousal ten-fold. 

“Lardo, you’re fuckin’ incredible,” he rasps out, slurring his words through his near-drunken arousal.

Her response is to fuck him even harder. He’s quickly reduced to nothing but sounds.

"My clit," she moans. Shitty promptly sits up and wraps her legs fully around him so they’re practically chest to chest. He gets his thumb on her and starts to move, groaning long and low into her throat. He gets his other hand on her ass, squeezes tight so he has something to grip as he strokes her clit as fast as he can until she begins clenching around him. He keeps rubbing even as she cries out and begins to come, and he’s rewarded for that when she slams down onto him hard enough that he knows he’s hit her cervix. She bites his chin to muffle a half-scream, and Shitty is _done_ , could not possible hold off after _that_. He comes with a shout and a firm thrust that has her letting out a little whimper that on its very own merits milks the last of his come from him.

They both collapse onto the pillows, panting. Eventually, Lardo moves so she’s in a more comfortable position, and he scoops her close and kisses her for just as long as she likes but not nearly as long he would like. She prefers sleepy morning kisses, not literally-just-got-laid-I-can't-concentrate-Shitty kisses.

But sleepy morning kisses are great; he's got that to look forward to in a few hours, and maybe, if she wants and if she asks, maybe a whole lifetime of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! The final chapter will be the same room sex. We'll ride out on Lardo's POV because I love her.


	4. Last Night Was Dope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a part of her that’s wondered, in the last few weeks of anticipation, if they might all lose their nerve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just porn. Enjoy? Lardo/Shitty, Jack/Bitty, and some fantasy mixing.

There’s a part of her that’s wondered, in the last few weeks of anticipation, if they might all lose their nerve.

It’s one thing to fantasize about same room sex, to imagine Jack approaching sex with the same commitment and zeal that he approaches hockey, singular focus and determination to make Bitty come in a variety of inventive ways. It’s hot to picture their contrast in size, and all the ways they’ve undoubtedly worked their sex life around and in dedication to it.

But there’s no coming back from it. This isn't something they can compartmentalize or forget after the fact.

Their collective nerves might prove to be too much to overcome. So, Lardo’s been a little nervous, to say the least.

The reality is considerably different from her expectations.

Bitty greets them in the doorway with a nervous but joyous smile. He’s babbling already. “Come on in, we’ve got dinner waiting. I was going to offer to take your coats, but you aren’t wearing any so maybe your bags instead? Gosh, y'all look really nice! Come on, put your bags down over here and we’ll just -”

Lardo grabs Bitty around the neck and pulls him in for a firm side-hug. “It’s okay, Bits. We’re nervous, too.”

Bitty laughs and hugs her properly, and she can feel the heat from his face against her cheek. Shitty pounces on them.

Jack’s in the kitchen peering into the oven when they enter. He’s wearing a pair of sweats, a white tank top, and oven mitts. He looks like some kind of pornographic dream, straight out of some kitchen magazine. He waves at them with one mitt, a sheepish smile on his very attractive face. A little voice in the back of Lardo’s head wonders how Bitty controls himself around Jack.

They eat their single serving tourtiere pies and then Bitty pours the four of them a single glass of red wine, something they’ve all agreed might help to loosen up some of the nerves but not enough to make them sloppy. Lardo feels the wine warming her up and the excitement ratcheting up to overcome some of the nerves. She’s pretty sure the boys are feeling something of the same.

Their plan has slowly taken form over the weeks since Shitty and Jack first asked them about this, and as her and Shitty, and Jack and Bitty, settle on respective sofas across from each in the living room, it suddenly doesn’t seem so scary or nerve-wracking. In fact, it’s all too easy for Lardo to lean over and kiss her man, to check with her hand where Shitty’s at in his arousal. When she feels how hard he is it’s an immediate turn-on for her. She feels her own excitement build and swell as she checks on Bitty and Jack, and her arousal only intensifies when she sees that Jack has pulled Bitty over to sit with his back to Jack’s chest. They’re sitting on the edge of their couch, one of Jack’s hands holding Bitty around the waist and the other already inside Bitty’s tiny shorts. Bitty’s head is tilted back on Jack’s shoulder, his face visible and open with all that he must be feeling.

_Hot._

She likes that positioning, decides she’s going to mirror it and climbs into Shitty’s lap so that they’re facing Jack and Bitty. She places her hands on the backs of Shitty’s and guides them where she wants them, on the hem of her shirt. Shitty groans as he gently presses up against her weight on his lap (she hums as she feels the length of him against her ass) and pulls her shirt up and off.

His hands go to her tits immediately, up under her bra. She lets out the whimper she can’t hold back and reaches back to link a hand around the back of his neck so she can crane her neck to kiss him. He kisses her back for a moment, then gets distracted by the skin of her jaw and throat, deftly removing her bra so there’s nothing in the way.

Across from them, Jack’s pushed Bitty’s shorts down so that the elastic is beneath his cock and balls. Lardo meets Bitty’s heated gaze as Jack slowly strokes him, then spares a look for Jack who’s watching Shitty play with one of her nipples with his left hand and undo button and zip on Lardo’s bottoms with the other. The feedback loop of hotness hits her hard; she moans and thrusts up into Shitty’s hand.

Shitty grunts and slides his hand inside, his finger going for her clit without preamble and immediately starting the skillful rub he’s so good at. He breaks off for her slit, moans when he feels how wet she is. She clenches around the tip of his finger, feels her whole face heating from the knowledge that he’s fingering her in front of Bitty and Jack, getting wetter by the second from the sight of Bitty squirming in Jack's lap and Jack still stroking, those bright blue eyes on the two of them.

Shitty moans in her ear, “Fuck you’re so hot inside,” as he slides his finger in all the way to the knuckle; she clenches around him. He fucks her first with one and then two fingers, and she cries out when his other hand slips inside to begin working her clit. She grinds down on his crotch, revels in the growls and groans she can force out of him.

Bitty cries out, and she snaps her eyes over to see that Bitty’s watching them, his big warm eyes flitting from down where Shitty's hands are buried in her jeans and up to where Shitty's got one chin over her shoulder to watch. She imagines but can't really see the look Bitty and Shitty are sharing between them, the hotness of it, and she swells even more. As Jack's hand picks up speed on Bitty's impressive dick, Lardo can’t help wondering how it'd feel to have Jack’s huge hands all over, if it’s like it is with Shitty. She imagines herself in Bitty’s place for a moment, one of Jack's hands on her dick and one tight around her balls to keep her from coming.

She comes, shuddering as she clenches again and again around Shitty’s fingers. Shitty moans and rubs her clit frantically until she’s coming again, grabbing Shitty’s forearms in her hands and trying to keep her eyes open so she can watch Bitty and Jack’s reactions to her coming, and that sparks a third orgasm, so intense she starts trembling and can’t help the raspy “fuck!” that bursts of her.

At that, Shitty flips her so she’s on her back on the couch. Her head spins a little from the speed, but then he’s got her jeans off and his mouth on her. He thrusts his tongue inside, moaning, and she pulls him closer with her ankles, cutting her gaze over to see that Jack’s done the same with Bitty, has Bitty arching up into Jack’s mouth as he takes him - so deep, jesus, she can’t even believe how deep, imagines how hot it would be if Jack took Shitty like that, deep into his throat.

She comes again. That’s four now. “Shitty,” she groans, can feel she’s starting to get sensitive. “I - I don't know if I can -”

“Come on, one more,” he moans against her. That’s so hot she clasps her hands around his head and rides his tongue, giving her clit a break, and then, after a minute where she almost forgets about Jack and Bitty, giving him access to her clit again. He wraps his mouth around her and hits her clit with firm and rapid strokes of his tongue that have her whimpering and pulling him even closer. He hums against her and keeps going, licking and licking until she comes again with a little half-muffled scream.

Over on the other couch, Bitty cries out and Lardo looks over in time to see the perfect arch of Bitty’s body off the couch, just his head and the tops of his shoulders resting on the cushions and the rest of his body in the air. Jack’s got Bitty’s entire dick in his mouth, has his nose pressed against his belly. Bitty seems to lose all semblance of control, thrusting wildly and lolling this way and that like a rag-doll as Jack sucks him through it before pulling gently off.

Lardo can’t move. She looks down at Shitty, who’s grinning up at her, face glistening, and god he’s so fucking hot. She pulls him up to kiss her, groans at the taste and at the excitement with which he kisses her. She reaches down to bring him off but he pulls back with a shake of his head. “I already did.” _Fuck_ , she must’ve missed him masturbating while she was watching Bitty and Jack, and there’s a bit of disappointment in missing it but also a thrill of excitement at the idea that he might have got himself off from watching that incredible show Jack just put on pleasuring Bitty.

Remembering them again, she takes another look and finds that they've curled up on their sides, Jack tucked all around Bitty, and they're facing Lardo and Shitty with tired but happy smiles.

There’s a minute of reverent and then maybe slightly awkward silence. But soon, always one to break a silence, Shitty announces proudly, “We’re a bunch of hot-ass, good-at-sex BEAUTS.”

That’ll do it.

They drink another glass of wine, toasting to their successful first attempt at same-room sex. Lardo understands, from all their shared knowing glances, that it’s definitely a first and not a last.

There’s no coming back from it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it! I hope this last part was worth the wait and the build-up. Thanks especially if you left a comment on this; your support was the push I needed to make this a multi-part thing. And a final credit to Salt 'N' Pepa for the musical inspiration for the title of this fic and the titles of the different chapters.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
